2/14/2045

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Twilight, Anikan Skywalker, Valentine’s Day, Draco Malfoy, Fifty Shades, and God. What an odd assortment of topics. I have had two seemingly opposing thoughts running through my mind about these very random ideas all week that I’ve wanted to write about, but it wasn’t until yesterday that I understood how they are related. It was worth the wait.

There has been far too much commentary on the movie coming out this weekend. Yeah, you know which one I mean. There are opinions about it everywhere – even places where you wouldn’t think they would or could have an opinion. I guess to really express my feelings in this post, I have to be honest and that means I should tell you *whisper* I have read the series. Yes, I know. I mean, really, I KNOW. I’m guessing that I’m not the only one though. The sex stuff – eh. You know, I’ve been dating my husband for thirty years next month and, after all that time, we pretty much know the reality of having sex four or five times a day in quick succession. Yeah….right. Yes, it’s all over the top. Yes, it’s graphic, yes, it’s all those bad things we’ve heard about for as long as the series has been out and I would never encourage anyone to read them. I would actually say don’t read them!

I have spent a bunch of time this week, while hearing and reading all of the commentary, pondering why I would be interested in reading this. I rolled around the ideas of it being the sex. No. The control? No. The submission part? Ha! No. The graphic nature of it? No. In fact, I tended to just skip over most of it. I had to keep asking…why? Why? WHY? Why as a God fearing woman would I allow myself to get pulled into such a, let’s be honest, pornographic story. Yikes! I’ll get back to this in a minute.

I held out reading them for a very long time. I just kept hearing about how they came from the Twilight fan fiction and I do really like the Twilight series. Again…why? It’s certainly not the literature quality. Is it Bella’s annoying-teenage-girl-over-the-top-emotional-outbursts-and-responses? Most definitely not! Interestingly enough, what I get out of this series – as chaste and romantic and sweet as this story is – is the same thing I got out of the other one. Weird, huh?

On to Draco and Skywalker. There is a part in the Star Wars movies that I just cannot bear to watch. I’m sure you can guess because I must not be the only one to feel this way. It’s when Anikan starts making the conscious decision to turn away from the light and become evil. It just breaks my heart every single time I watch it. He starts with one bad decision, which leads to one more, then one more, and then he’s suddenly fully engulfed and gives over completely to the small bit of darkness and evil that was in him until it’s all we (and more importantly – HE) can see. It’s the same with Draco. Exactly the same. One small decision. The need to be important and it’s all over for him. He just gives himself away to the dark.

How is any of this connected?!?

The girls and I decided to watch the entire Harry Potter series this week. As we progressed through them so quickly, it was easy to see Draco’s transformation and it gave me that same sick feeling as watching Anikan making those same decisions. I began to think about life in general, mine, those around me and how the change from light to dark is so subtle and so deceptive that it can sometimes hardly be noticed. However, the opposite is not always true. The shift from darkness to light can come in an instant or emerge over time, but the brilliant light that begins to glow in our hearts and minds and which leads us straight to God and His love and forgiveness takes over our entire being and lights us up so fully that it can’t be hidden.

I think there is a part in all of us that remembers being with God, in His presence and His Son’s. We remember what it felt like to be loved so fully and deeply that we accepted Their words and guidance because we knew it came directly from Their care, concern, and love for us. I think this is what all of the commentators are missing. I think this is why millions of us may be drawn to those books – both Twilight and Fifty Shades. Now, I am in NO WAY saying to read these books to see that. I think if we just look in our own hearts, we will see that we each have this deep need to be loved and cared for so completely. Obviously, no one on this planet can meet this need, which is why we are constantly reminded to turn our hearts over to God – He is the only one who can fill that need.

We try to take care of ourselves, those we love, and our families, but we just aren’t capable of filling any of us with what our spirits know is missing. It may not even be possible in this lifetime to be filled with that type of love and to surrender our wills to it knowing that it comes from such a place of love and care and concern. There is too much distraction, far too much pulling us this way or that, and far too much of Satan trying to fill us with imitations that might, at first, seem like what we need – sex, money, power – but they just leave us even more empty because, as we focus more on them to fill our hearts, they just pull us further from the Only One who can.

As bad mistakes go, reading the books, are pretty high on the list for me. I would never look at pornography in any other form – music, movies, magazines – and it’s not okay that I read them. I will feel a need to repent for this, at least until I know I’ve been forgiven. However, I know that God has the ability to turn even the darkest mistakes into light and knowledge and this has been true for me with this. I have been taught in a most comprehensive way. I have struggled my whole life with two things – wanting to be taken care of and any type of letting go of my will. Blech. I have longed for someone to care about and love me so much that they would look after me completely. I don’t want anyone to do everything for me, just to love me that much. I tried it in relationship once, but it was once too many. I couldn’t get out fast enough and it scared me to death.

I have hit the jackpot of love with Dwayne. He has loved me completely – I truly am his Bella and he is my Edward. I want my heart not only filled with Dwayne’s love, but filled to overflowing with God’s. I hope that, as I draw closer to Him, I can trust and more fully obey His will because I recognize it comes from His fountain of love and a desire to bless me and protect me in all I do.

“And now, my brethren, I wish from the inmost part of my heart, yea, with great anxiety even unto pain, that ye would hearken unto my words, and cast off your sins, and not procrastinate the day of your repentance;  but that ye would humble yourselves before the Lord, and call on his holy name, and watch and pray continually, that ye may not be tempted above that which ye can bear, and thus be led by the Holy Spirit, becoming humble, meek, submissive, patient, full of love and all long-suffering;  having faith on the Lord; having a hope that ye shall receive eternal life; having the love of God always in your hearts, that ye may be lifted up at the last day and enter into his rest.” Alma 13:27-29 (I would recommend to start reading at verse 21 though)

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