23 May 2016

on

Another day of struggle, followed by study and learning and understanding. I really dislike that word – understanding. It implies waiting, patience, not one of my strengths. This is another day of all the diverse books I study out of having one theme. I guess today’s is “it’s a blessing.”

The past couple of weeks have been very difficult – serious doubts about my worth since I’m not being “productive,” so many questions and frustrations over my meds, tons of confusion in my head about what is right for me to do. I feel like I am in a war with myself. There are two “voices” in my head constantly bickering – faith and fear – and I want them both to shut up already. Since we believe in hands-on blessings, I asked Dwayne to give me one a few days ago. He used the word “understanding” and I bolted from the room, but as we all know, if God doesn’t get to you one way, He will keep trying. That brings me back to my studies this morning. 

I started with my OA daily devotional book, which talked about the idea of we are what we think. Great! It’s all over for me. I hadn’t thought to really stop and pay attention to what I’ve been telling myself for the past few years – I’m losing my mind, nothing is working, I’m not being productive. No wonder I feel like crap all of the time. Why am I so willing to spend hours of each day telling myself or letting Satan tell me these things over and over? It occurred to me that I have some real weaknesses like impatience and pride and being so demanding of myself, and my will. I am terribly willful. After those little bummer thoughts came the idea that I could probably use these things as a way to learn something. I wonder when I will finally give in and let this stuff just sink into my heart already? 

So, I can choose to relax about it all and be patient and to remember that I’m not being judged by anyone else’s standard – just God’s. The overarching thought is that I get to spend more time than anyone I know studying and learning and growing in God. Purposefully. Simply because I’m struggling with my health and it has given me nothing but time. I want to be happy about this, I really do. 
Howard W. Hunter said, “Giving consistent effort in the little things in day-to-day life leads to true greatness. Specifically…gaining knowledge of Father…and the gospel.” Could all of my free time be any better blessing?!? All of this culminated in the picture above from Alma 12:9-10. More heed and diligence = more mysteries of God. Humility = greater portion of His word + the mysteries of God. Sheesh! What more do I want?!? 

I look inward and outward with my glasses down my nose and a clipboard with a very long list of things I “should” be doing. The dreaded LIST. I want to permanently burn that thing!! I’m tired of it making me feel “less than.” I read once about an idea to combat this, that I think I’m going to try. Instead of a “to do” list, make it an “I did it” list. Write down everything I accomplish in a day? That sounds more fun. 

Father, my prayer for today is that I will come to further trust you and your timing. That during my dark days, I will come to see them as opportunities for learning and time to grow closer to you. That I won’t be frustrated because I’m not checking boxes off on a list. Father, I know that you have all power to soften my heart and strengthen my knees, that I can stand and be still and know that you are doing something about it and, since you are the supreme creator and can work miracles, that I can trust in your timing for easing my burdens. Thank you for every blessing that has brought me to this point – especially Rhodes ones that didn’t look like blessings. Those are the ones that give me hope for enduring what I am currently experiencing. In your Son’s name. Amen.

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