Progress and Triggers

This story is a bit about me and a bit about not a fan today. I have been doing well with the bipolar except for the panic attack last Saturday, which was separate from the bipolar disorder. I have had mental stability for a whole month now, which has made me feel a bit bored and not so productive and that I can take on more. Sign #1 – a trigger in the making. 

While bullet journaling the past few days, I have been adding a few things to my daily routine that I want to get back to and, as I build that list, I feel like a spring is tightening in me. Sign #2. Not good. It still hasn’t dawned on me that I might be headed toward a depressive episode. 

Let me just say, before I tell about Sign #3 (irritation and anger), that what I did was totally out of character. I actually got right in a poor lady’s face and gave her a piece of my mind about taking the parking spot she clearly saw I was waiting for. Yikes! My daughter was embarrassed, but I was mad. Again Sign #3. 

While reading not a fan, I keep feeling that maybe I’m not doing enough spiritually. I pray about what I should be doing, but the response I get back is only four simple things. It doesn’t feel like enough. I am becoming super detailed in what I think needs to be done. Sign #4. 

One thing about this disorder is that when I start heading manic, I feel really good – lots of energy and feeling like I can get more done than what I actually can. It also comes out as irritation or anger. I start thinking about how unproductive I am during my level days. Then, that spring inside me just gets tighter and tighter until I start noticing every little detail – it’s like I become hyper-focused and I need my house and life in perfect order. Then, it all becomes too much and I wind up in bed for days, unable to function at all.

Good thing I had a psych appointment today and that she knows me well enough that I trust her and her judgement. We talked through all of this and how close I probably am to a depressive episode. I really don’t want to go there and spend days in bed, so it was mutually agreed that I need to cut back. Whew! There is constantly so much to learn about managing this in my daily life, especially when I feel good.

Not a fan, has made me excited about being a better follower of Christ, but I have to remind myself that He is not asking me to do everything. He’s asking me to do what He inspires me to do when I prayerfully ask Him what to do. It all has to be manageable. After all, we can’t all run off and be missionaries or spend all of of our time in prayer or meditation. So, back to the basics and a rest day, yeah?

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