Yesterday, I was feeling pretty good. I ate far too much, but we had fun making our own tin foil dinners and then my youngest daughter and I made funnel cakes for dessert. Yesterday was also payday, so I was feeling that rosy glow of having a few dollars in my pocket. I had spent a good chunk of the day talking scrapbooking with her girlfriend, who was off of work, and watching her get excited about my favorite hobby. It was a good day. So good, in fact, that at some point I decided to make a list of all of the things that need to be repaired around here and all of the projects we need to just finish.
2:37 this morning I woke up with horrible heartburn (can you say too much fatty food?) and hauled myself out to our livingroom to sleep a little upright in my recliner. It helped, but I woke up at 5:30 drenched in sweat and still feeling heartburnish. I don’t know what the sweating thing is, but it happens once in a while. Of course, then I couldn’t fall back to sleep. I started thinking about that list and everything on it. I got up and did a few quiet chores until others woke up. It was nice seeing my family as they all left to head off into the world. I spent my Time with God and read some in Beloved Mess. I then got a text from that youngest daughter saying she needed her name tag for her uniform (AFJROTC). I ran that to her and drove home thinking about that list. Between the weird sleeping patterns and brooding over that list, I decided a nap might be in order.
Nap, shower, ready for the day, and, what do I find as soon as I sit down at my desk? That darn list. I used to live my life by lists. It felt so gratifying to cross things off and, some days, it’s still fabulous. Most days though, it feels overwhelming. Heavenly Father knew what was coming though because yesterday morning I happened to be scrolling through Pinterest and came across this…
It calmed my heart a bit and made me take a gentler approach with myself. Even better, God hit me with a double learning moment. I had left Beloved Mess open on my desk to a page in chapter seven (Doubt is Not a Dirty Word) that says the following…
“… Once the law has done it’s terrifying work of bringing us to the end of ourselves, the gospel comes in to resuscitate and to mend the brokenness caused by throwing ourselves up against the wall of unachievable standards. The gospel brings us life and freedom for our questions and fears-all of them. God will not leave us or forsake us as we wrestle with our doubts and fears (Deuteronomy 31:8). His level of commitment to us parallels his level of commitment to the Father. He is all in, even when we aren’t or can’t be.”
Even though Kimm is talking specifically about doubting and faith, it felt like the words were spoken to me in my brokenness this morning. I doubt my abilities and have a lot of fear about how to wrestle this bipolar issue every day. It’s a monster that has no boundaries or reason to it. It is scary for one who wants to be in control of her life and is still fighting God most days on letting that go and trusting that He’s my net and I’m not free falling into a black pit. What a mess.
So, gentle it is today and I’m going to rip that list up. I know what’s on it and if it bothers me too much to see the thing, then I can just let it go. I’m getting back to reading Kimm’s book. I only have three more days with it and I want to soak it all in!