The past twenty-four hours haven’t been good. It’s not the hours, but my body, mind, and heart. I am slipping into darkness and grief and I can’t seem to claw my way out, so I am choosing to be calm and not panic, to keep doing my routine, pressing forward, and to hope it ends sooner rather than later. Days like this are so difficult. I guess the clearest example I can give is that I was sobbing last night because I was making cookies. That sort of sums up where I’m at. These wild mood changes just come and go like I have no control over them, which I don’t. Sometimes, this part of having bipolar disorder overrides my meds and I just have to wait it out and try not to lose hope that it will get better. Easier to say than to do. So, this is where I am right now.
Even in my darkest hours, I still know that God is there, tenderly watching over me and providing a shield of protection until I can use what I know to help myself a little more. God showed His hand over me this morning during my Time with God. Most of my readings, including in How to Start a Riot, had to do with Gods power working in you and through you while feeling “small.” I most certainly feel small today. I know that when I am feeling this way, Christ is showing His great strength and power in my behalf. I know that is always the case, but there is such a clear distinction between my “small” days, when I am at my worst and have little to no power to pull myself up and out and the days when I feel strong in Christ and in His Atonement. I just pray for a quick return to that today.