I Can

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Ah…Monday morning. Good morning! We had a bit of reshuffling of rooms in our home over the weekend, so I write this from a new area of the house – with big windows letting in the muted sunshine (it’s overcast).

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This is a room we created out of a giant oddly placed room that we just put up a wall to block off. It was our oldest daughter’s room before she hopped off to college last year. As soon as we looked at the house, she fell in love with the windows and knew it was the room for her. Too bad it took us a year to complete the wall. I hold regret over so many things. I know how she longed for the privacy of her room, as any teenager would, but we didn’t hop right on it. I guess most of that year, the wall was up, just not painted. She got to enjoy her beautiful room for a year before moving out and on. One thing she did do and we did on the other side (which is the entry way for our house) is to faux brick the walls. It actually turned out nice.

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She did a way better job at it. Mine kind of start leaning on the right bottom corner, like the building is in disrepair and falling down.

My Time With God has gone well in this new area. My husband even came in and asked me how it was going in here vs our room. It was weird getting up and having to put on clothes to go into another room, but I’m sure it will be fine. Now, on to my studies…

OA “What made me stop growing emotionally?” That was the little passage’s message to my heart this morning. It was about how addiction stops emotional and spiritual growth and leaves us only partially developed. My personal addiction has to be food. I’ve turned to food as long as I can remember. Some of my saddest and fondest memories are of coming home from school as an elementary school student, to an empty house, and being able to bake. I learned early – soft, warm pretzels straight from the oven, pound cake (my favorite!) – and I ate and ate and ate away those feelings of loneliness. Nothing much has changed, just that I have a car and can drive and go to the store so there’s not as much effort (or waiting) involved. Abstinence, right? It’s what both OA and AA both say works.

AA “How can I keep doing this to myself?” Oh, boy. Now there’s the real question, huh? How can I keep doing this to myself? I’m sure it also affects my family too, but no one really makes permanent changes for others, do they? It’s so easy to forget in the moment that there is, or even could, be another choice. In the very second of that pressure building and making you feel as if you are falling into a black hole, the only thing that seems like it might save me are…Cheetos? So, writing it down makes it sound dumber than I already know it is. Sheesh! When was the last time food actually had power to “save” anyone from anything?!? I need to rely on my Higher Power, as my God is called in AA. Sometimes, relying on Him is just as difficult as trying to save myself. I don’t remember, I don’t trust, I don’t cry out, I don’t seek Him out in my  most desperate moments. I just don’t. So, for me, the question seems to be how can I?

General Conference “Challenges are at times an indication of the Lord’s trust in you.” Elder D. Todd Christofferson. I like to think that I must have some special reason why I have problems that I think I shouldn’t have. I know it’s crazy, like I’m exempt from life. Don’t we all want to ease through life or am I the only one? Of course, this quote is what stood out to me. Ah ha! Maybe he means me! Maybe I’m somehow special! Ah ha, most likely I’m like everyone else on the planet. I don’t like that thought much, so I’m going to move on now.

Book of Mormon Mormon Chapter 4

The thing that struck me this morning is that the people began to kill each other off, Mormon was commanded to stand by as an “idle witness.” These days, with all that is going on in the world, I also feel like an idle witness. So many, many things I have no say in or control over. However, I can do small and simple things in my daily life to add to the goodness in my little corner of creation. I can smile and laugh and hug and, boy, that just seems like enough some days.

If Only: Letting Go of Regret Chapter six is about compartmentalizing our problems and dividing our hearts. Man, Michelle has such a good way of writing and making things plain. Not only that, but she pulls out scriptures that completely fit what she is talking about that I had never thought of before. Pigs, of all things! “Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.” Psalms 86:11 is one of the scriptures she uses and it’s really what I want. I want an undivided heart – one that isn’t turned on itself or against God, but that is whole and completely trusting in His power and mercy and help. This is what the entire post has been about today.

Today, I am going to be mindful about trusting God.

 

 

 

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