What am I to Say?

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Oh Lord, what am I to say to myself this morning? I know that no one is reading these posts. I can see that by the statistics, so why is me recapping what I am studying important to Thee? There must be a reason. I know that I am learning much more deeply the messages Thou has planted before me in these books I study. I know that I think about them longer during my day than if I had just read them quickly and then walked away. Today, the Conference talk caught me a little off guard. You say that there will come a day when only those who have diligently sought Thee will be able to bless, guide, protect, strengthen, and heal others and that only those same people will be able to keep their marriage and family safe. Father, this is a frightening thought. Have I been diligent enough? I have studied and prayed, but have the messages sunk deep into my heart and become a part of me? Am I changing because of what I am learning? Have I had the right motivation for doing these things that I know are right all on their own?

The OA message was similar; can I take what life gives me and accept if like a child, full of wonder and delight and patience. Okay, so I added the patience part. It’s the hardest part for me. The sitting around and waiting – for answers, to see Thy hand in my life, to feel something different. The AA message was about loving others with no strings attached. I know that I have struggled with that in the past and I know that I probably have other strings that I don’t even know of yet that will come up and I will have to work through. I am aware now, after all of these years, that I held onto strings for loving my mom. I wanted and, I thought, needed her love in a certain way, and I refused to let her in because I couldn’t accept what she offered – what she could give. I ask for Thy forgiveness for this thing, this terrible divider of our relationship and of my heart all of these years and the terrible pain it must have caused her. I can’t imagine what it would be like if one of  my children needed other than what I could give and wouldn’t accept any different. Please forgive me and help me make it right with her someday. Please heal her heart before I get there that nothing will hold her back from accepting the love Thou has for her.

My studies in the Book of Mormon went on to discuss repentance and how people are lost and struggle for their very lives if they don’t call on Thee. Another scary thought, however, Thou has promised that if we seek we shall find and that Thou wants nothing more than for us to find Thee and to come to Thee – just as we are because You already know everything about us – all of the dark and ick – and you still want us more than we can imagine. The chapter then goes back to the OA message  of humility and standing before Thee in full childlike humility. I want to be taught and learn, I just don’t want it to hurt or to be told over and over again that I am wrong. Not really humble, huh? Please, Father, help me to be humble. Help me to lay aside my prideful heart and to turn to Thee with full purpose and trust.

Michelle in If Only talks about the meaning of the word shalom. She quotes theologian Cornelius Plantings who says, “In the Bible, shalom means universal flourishing, wholeness, and delight.” I want this wholeness that is talked about over and over. I want to be able to stand in front of Thee whole. I don’t care much about the delight and flourishing – I can’t even imagine myself feeling those two things, but wholeness? Now that’s something I can put some effort into. See, Father? Again, I believe it’s up to me and not up to Thee. Thou and Thy Son have already done the work, I just need to show up and try to draw closer to Thee.

Father, I love Thee and I desire to stand before You or kneel at Your feet and feel Thy overwhelming, eternal, all-encompassing love. I want to know that what I have done is enough. That who I am is enough. Please redeem me from my prideful, sinful, self and help me to be of service to others. I thank Thee for Thy blessings – for a life that is beautiful and full and wonderful – and for this body, which allows me freedom of movement and to pursue physical activities that I enjoy, for simply being able to hear music while I write, to light a candle, and to type. For these small things I thank Thee. In Thy Son’ name. Amen.

 

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