I really have nothing to say this morning. I have a heavy heart and the only reason I am here is because it’s my routine and I didn’t know what to do with myself if I choose not to be here. Besides, they say the best time to pray/study the scriptures/seek God is when you don’t want to, right? Well, here I am. I spent much of last night awake and crying and most of this morning crying. It’s been building up for a couple of days.
I know God is trying to reach my heart, but I’ve closed it off to Him right now. I just don’t want to hear how it will all work out okay, “trust Me.” Frankly, right now, I don’t. I’m weary of lessons and “opportunities to grow” that hurt more than help. I am angry and hurt and all the rest of it. Each of the passages I read this morning were about this very thing too. Kelly’s book (Designed to Pray) talked about this very thing too – about what’s happening in my heart and, while the tears have stopped for the moment, my heart is so heavy. It’s like God knew what I would need this morning, but I don’t want it. I don’t want the same answers over and over when nothing else changes.
The OA message was about how when we see a fault in others’, it’s because we recognize that fault in ourselves. Nice.
The AA message – I must allow God, through others, to lead me. Great.
Conference was about all the names in the scriptures used to describe God’s love: always, great & wonderful, perfect, redeeming, everlasting, infinite, and a precious gift. Yep.
The Book of Mormon even had a similar thing to say –
And the remission of sins bringeth meekness, and lowliness of heart; and because of meekness and lowliness of heart cometh the visitation of the Holy Ghost, which Comforter filleth with hope and perfect love, which love endureth by diligence unto prayer, until the end shall come, when all the saints shall dwell with God.
Then, I got to Kelly’s book, chapter 7, “How to Pray When Life is Messy.” I knew it was going to be tough to get through it, but I did. I cried myself through each of the day’s activities. Of course, on the last day, the scripture she chose for the header is one that I have been plagued by for the last four or five years, “Be still, and know that I am God!” (Psalm 46:10). Weird. I feel, as I am going through this book, that she may have spent all of this time and effort writing this book for me.
There is no reason for me to be distraught. Nothing in my life has changed. No big event has happened. It just seemed to “all” come on me at once – thoughts and realizations and sadness for things undone or lacking. Things I’ve missed, things I want more than anything else. Things I would give my life for and things that I can never get back. It just swallowed me last night and it has my heart in an uproar. I know that I shouldn’t be mad at God, but I sure am. I know that He will make it all right, but when? I know that this pain in my heart will ease, but why did I need to feel it in the first place? I don’t want to be stronger or look back and say “wow, what a great growing experience,” because those suck. Yes, I will hang in there. Yes, I believe that the crying will stop. And I know that God loves me. Just as I am. Angry or sad or in despair or at the end of my rope, feeling lost and hopeless and despairing. Why do I still know those things? Because I’ve been here before and I’ve come through. Because I do believe that God is loving and kind and knows just how I feel. Because, in the end, I want Him more than I want anything else – even those things I’d give my life for. And doesn’t that stink!