I had a panic attack in the grocery store checkout line this morning. <sigh> I hate them. No, I’m not joking. It’s that strong of an emotion. This past week has had a lot of commotion going on in our home and I have been starting to feel it – sleeping in later, having a hard time going to sleep at night, nightmares. I told my husband last night that I could feel something coming on. Truthfully, I don’t pay much attention until I’m in it, but this time I caught on to what was going on. I know, know, know that grocery shopping is a huge trigger for me – the lights, sights, noises, choices, finding, placing, pacing, and then the money, and worst of all is talking to the cashier at the end when I’m just about as strung as tight as I can get. It’s awful. It was on my list today and I didn’t even think CAUTION, DANGER AHEAD. I just went and I could feel it building. By the time the shaking started I had a full cart and just keep thinking, “I can get through this.” Deep breath, deep breath. It was over once the cashier looked at me. I just started crying and shaking. She looked startled and unsure, but I just told her that I was having a panic attack, no, there isn’t a reason, and to please go slow. Nothing makes it worse than feeling rushed. Luckily, no one was behind me until right at the end, so I had a few minutes of quiet to calm down. I shook all the way out to the car and all through the six trips to bring the bags in. I took some medication as soon as I walked in the door, simply because I know the reason (the commotion in our house right now) and there’s nothing I can do about it, just time. So, more “me” care needs to happen now. Less busy. More quiet. Less responsibility. Back to square three or four, most definitely not one – thank heavens!
I made a big decision today about my next book selection. Since Designed to Pray by Kelly O’Dell Stanley was a workbook, I’m going to review her other book Praying Upside Down, for the next two weeks. I know, it’s a big departure from how I’ve been doing it, but, honestly, I’m not ready to let go of this subject (it’s been my favorite so far). So, that’s where I am with that. I’ll start writing more tomorrow. I’ve been reading it, but after my meltdown this morning all I want is a nice, long nap.
Also, I think I’m going to start skipping the OA and AA devotionals. If anyone wants them, you can buy the books, and those two groups are based on anonymity. Even though you don’t know who I am, I think it’s just better.
So, that leaves the book I’m reviewing, general conference talks, and the Book of Mormon. I imagine most of you aren’t here for the last one, but I’m still going to include it because I get so much out of writing down what I am learning and how it applies to me in my life.
That’s it for today. Now, on to a nap.