Not Too Sure

I’m not sure I have the words to express how I’m feeling this morning after my study time in Lysa TerKeurst’s book Made to Crave. I had a bit of a revelation. It’s this – I don’t want to deprive myself of anything because I feel like so much has been taken from me. Of course, as I’ve pondered that, I have come to realize that if I don’t do something about committing to taking care of myself, even more will be taken. I don’t want that!

I feel guilty taking care of myself the way I know I need to so that I can function and get things done during the day. I have a pretty rigid routine. I like it. I know what’s next in my day and when my breaks are so that I can keep my anxiety at bay. Generally, this works well. When I am off routine, like on the weekends, I struggle. When my husband stays home from work, I struggle. It’s not that I don’t want to be with him, it’s just that I feel anxious. I’m sure this sounds like a pretty strange way to live life, but my psychiatrist and therapist both tell me (over and over) that I need to have a routine to deal with life. I need this. So, why do I feel so guilty about it? Am I not getting enough done around the house? Depends on the week. Do I still have good days and bad? Of course, but I have less of them when I stick to my routine. I have purpose, a reason to get out of bed in the morning, something to keep my mind and hands busy, and I know what’s next in my day.

When we were first married, my husband was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. I remember the doctors telling him that he had to stick to a schedule for eating and exercise. Then, three years later, our oldest son developed some neurological problems due to an incident with some weed and feed that led to such a low tolerance for frustration that it was scary. He would go into crazy rages and cry and cry. It was awful! The doctors then kept pushing the idea of routines and schedules. I guess it’s been a part of our lives since forever.

We did really good for years in keeping a good routine for the household and then, we slowly gave up on it. My husband got his medication switched (he’s on an insulin pump now), our son got healthy, and they were all back in public school after five and one half years homeschooling. It was easy to let go of. Of course, we picked up a new routine, but it wasn’t nearly as methodical. I guess I need to be back to that – only for me this time. So, how do I do that? I suppose one day at a time. Patience, Carmen, patience.

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