I didn’t blog yesterday. I couldn’t. I reached a point in this book (Traveling Light by Max Lucado) where it became too personal. So, instead of blogging, I cried. Big old ugly crying. There just wasn’t anything I could say that would explain what I was feeling and how the words on the pages were affecting my heart. There are circumstances in my life I want changed. We all have them. What I want most is for my heart to change how I am responding to those circumstances. I want so badly to let go of my sadness and to be able to trust God with the details and to trust Him to change me. I’m beyond wanting the situations to change. Lord, just change me so I’m not sad all of the time. Sad and desperate. The problem? I don’t really trust God right now. I mean, He put me in this situation in the first place, right? How can I believe that He will get me out of it?
Today was a little better. Different topics, but still the tears. I’m tired of crying. Really tired of crying. The topics today were loneliness and shame. He points out that you can be lonely in a room full of people. We’ve all heard that saying before. It’s certainly not a surprise. Max’s answer? God will never leave us. “I will not leave you.” Genesis 28:15. Right at the beginning of the scriptures. It’s right there. He says it numerous other times though, to a large number of people scattered throughout scripture. I guess in saying it to them, He’s saying it to us. Reminding us that He will never leave us. The problem is that we tend to leave Him. We are the ones who walk away. Not Him. Never Him.