I don’t even know how to write this post today. I’m really angry at God. I have been for awhile. It seems like I’ve picked up this bag of rocks that I can’t set down. I started getting angry as I started getting well and, now, it’s just about feeling like some of my hopes and dreams will never happen. I know, I know, I’m certainly not the only one this happens to. I think we all have something that we desperately want, but that won’t happen. I’m just really, really angry and hurt and sad that after a lifetime of working towards this outcome that I won’t get to see it happen. I’ve done all the “right” things to be sure it would and it’s not and now, I’m just angry and hurt. We live in a a+b=c world, but God doesn’t work that way. He has His own deal going and I don’t understand why – especially when He makes such grand promises about what will happen if we obediently follow Him.
When I’m in the midst of these chapters in When God Isn’t There by David Bowden, I can see clearly and as soon as I put the book down, the anger and fear come rushing right back like some kind of big shaggy stray dog that follows me around, only this one has teeth and it bites. I’ve cried and cried about this. I’ve prayed. I’ve read my scriptures. I’ve done everything I can think of to let it go, but I can’t. I have invested a lifetime toward this outcome and now, it’s like my whole world is falling apart and I feel abandoned. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone in my life. I have talked about my issue until everyone around me is sick of hearing about it. I am miserable to be around because I am so unhappy and I don’t know how to put it aside and let it go. I don’t even know what that would look like anymore.