Chapter six (in When God Isn’t There) is all about is searching for God and what that search does to our hearts. Are they drawn out in longing or are we on the verge of giving up because it’s taking too long to find Him? David’s idea is that there is a purpose in the absence – it makes us want God more.
I can say that is personally true. As I have been angry at God and propelled myself away from Him, I have also had a deeper desire to draw closer to Him. It’s as if, somewhere in my heart, I already know that the only way to “cure” my anger is to let go and fall into His arms. I’m afraid my pride is keeping me from that and my hurt is still too big to follow through. Maybe I just want Him to do the reaching and the healing first. That sounds like a dangerous place to reside, doesn’t it?
I finally talked to two friends about how I’ve been feeling and, I have to admit, I do feel better today. There is something therapeutic about sharing the hurt in your heart and what is weighing heavily on my mind. They both reassured me that there is purpose in my pain, which goes back to why I am angry in the first place, but I can see where they may be coming from. I don’t feel so heavy and burdened today by it all. I can at least hope that I might be pulling out of this darkness and anger. At least maybe enough to see God’s side and to be okay with where I am in this journey. Maybe. I’ll see what tomorrow brings.